Caluroso

"Picture this: It's 7am, you see a tall lady in brown track pants, a red fur coat and undone shoe laces charging down the street of your small town with a backpack on, bag of spinach and sugar free powerade in one hand and a container of food and 2L water bottle in the other looking stressed as fuck (thinking she's going to miss the train). Now picture this: said lady arrives at the station, 15 mins early of course, realising how insane that must have looked to the outside world and starts cracking up to herself whilst stuffing salad leaves into meal prepped containers to save space in the already over packed backpack 😂😂 At this point, I'm unsure if prep has finally cracked me or if this is normal but imma call it - Prep 1, Nikki 0 Yes, someone did ask me if I was ok 🤣 They thought I was hysterically crying due to the fact I was trying so hard to stifle my own laughter and not look completely crazy #fail T minus 5 weeks until I have some of my brain capacity back 🥳👻🤙"

"6 weeks ✨️ I'd be lying if I said the full force of prep hasn't hit. I am tired, sore, my brain is a monkey clapping tambourines off beat 99% of the time & I want to yeet my cat anytime she gets a little too needy (shout out to all the parents who prep not sure how you do it). I'd also be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about pulling the plug on it. It's not that I don't want to take the stage, I really do, it's that sometimes the stories I tell myself still win because I am a human being who realistically is only just on the other side of depression. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not someone who has it all figured out, like everyone else am still learning, growing, evolving & trying to make something better for myself. But I won't quit & I don't plan to quit and here's why; I keep going back to something I wrote a while ago: 'It's easy at first to break promises to yourself & not do the things you said you would. It's easy as first to find an excuse, or put it off until tomorrow. It's easy at first to settle for a job, relationship or a life that didn't turn out how you thought it would. & then one day it's not, one day it becomes the hardest thing in the world & you're left wondering why you’re miserable' One of the main reasons I wanted to take the stage is because I was so tired of letting myself down in almost every area of my life, I was hungry & desperate for change. I was tired of not holding myself to account, finishing anything I started (unless it"

"I was recently going through my camera roll trying to find a photo that showed my most depressed point, what I ended up finding were photos of me smiling which truthfully explains it so much better than any sad photo could. When you think about depression you probably think of someone looking a bit like Eeyore, right? Instincively, you might think of the person who has stopped functioning - no energy to move off the couch, crying all the time, etc and that's true too (i've been both) more commonly though, depression looks like the friend who's happy, or the person who puts everyone else first, or the person who keeps themselves constantly busy. That's the trouble with depression it's frighteningly easy to hide, especially if you're not looking for the subtleties. When I look back at the points that lead up to when I stopped functioning, there were some tell-tale signs along the way to it - my appearance changed pretty drastically, I'd gained a lot of weight, I was unkempt and had no pride in myself, I started to withdraw socially, I was drinking more in both volume and frequency, constantly puffing on a vape to ease my anxiety and mind, I could go on for days tbh. From the outside I'm certain most people would of seen me and thought wow Nikki has really let herself go, I was smiling to the world, so it could be assumed I was fine, yet the truth is I was struggling and hiding it behind a smiling face. It's pretty easy to judge other people, we have all been guilty of it at one point in our lives, yet everyone is fighting battles we all"

"Red Riding Hood Gorgeous model @hotmess_mwahh #ishtarphotography #photooftheday #photo #photographer #photography #photoshoot #makeupartist #model #موديلات #photosessions #photograph #modeling #makeup #trend #photobomb #photoaday #makeup #photowall #photographylovers #makeuptutorial #photomodel #photogenic #photograpy #photoart #fashionstyle #fashionista #fashionblogger #fashionweek"

"Gorgeous model @nat4_beauty #ishtarphotography #photooftheday #photo #photographer #photography #photoshoot #makeupartist #model #موديلات #photosessions #photograph #modeling #makeup #trend #photobomb #photoaday #makeup #photowall #photographylovers #makeuptutorial #photomodel #photogenic #photograpy #photoart #fashionstyle #fashionista #fashionblogger #fashionweek"

"The Goddess @nat4_beauty #ishtarphotography #photooftheday #photo #photographer #photography #photoshoot #makeupartist #model #موديلات #photosessions #photograph #modeling #makeup #trend #photobomb #photoaday #makeup #photowall #photographylovers #makeuptutorial #photomodel #photogenic #photograpy #photoart #fashionstyle #fashionista #fashionblogger #fashionweek"